A weekly feature highlighting the best quotes on TV as picked by the Spoiler TV team. We'd love to hear your picks too so please sound off in the comments below.
The Americans -
1. Phillip (referring to the switchboard number): "I will need that back tomorrow morning." Martha: "Of course, I mean, why would I expect to keep anything?"
2. Phillip (referring to Henry's computer): "Five more minutes on that thing and then bed." Henry: "I'm not gonna fall asleep anyway." Phillip: "So stare at the ceiling for eight hours, then you can eat breakfast."
Brooklyn Nine-Nine -
1. Jake: "Damn it! He's dead." Bob: "Figgis got to him." Jake: "Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! [...] This case just got busted wide open."
2. Holt: "We're going to be here a while. Would you like to talk?" Bob: "I'd rather not." Holt: "Agreed."
3. Rosa: "I'm flexible. I do a lot of yoga." Jake: "You do yoga?" Rosa: "Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again, I'll hunt you down and rip your face off." Jake: "Okay."
Orphan Black -
Rush Hour -
1. Carter: "You mind if I take this one alone?" Lee: "Sure, I'll just go interview the other sole witness on this case." Carter: "Check you out, being all sarcastic. I must be rubbing off on you." Lee: "It is my greatest shame."
2. Carter: "Damn, grandma. I mean…dang, grandma."
3. Carter: "This song makes me want to drive this car off the nearest cliff." Lee: "It will grow on you." Carter: "It won't. Okay Lee, here's what you gotta do tonight. You got to go home and you gotta learn some American music." Lee: "I know all about American music. What is that one I like? The um…" Carter: "That was a Cialis commercial." Lee: "It was very catchy."
Wynonna Earp -
1. Wynonna: "That's why you need Champ's body? For some sort of like possession?" Champ: "What? In my body? Wynonna, I don't even put gluten in this."
2. Wynonna: "Sometimes you come so close to cool and then cool makes a run for it."
3. Wynonna: "It's not a team. I'm not even sure we're the good guys." Waverly: "Well good guys seem to be in short supply these days but believe me, you are definitely one of them."
4. Wynonna " oh ..he is gonna miss his bus "
1. Phillip (referring to the switchboard number): "I will need that back tomorrow morning." Martha: "Of course, I mean, why would I expect to keep anything?"
2. Phillip (referring to Henry's computer): "Five more minutes on that thing and then bed." Henry: "I'm not gonna fall asleep anyway." Phillip: "So stare at the ceiling for eight hours, then you can eat breakfast."
3. Stan: "You were an asshole." Phillip: "OK, I think 'wimp' would have sufficed."
Archer -
1. Archer: "Are we not even considering public school?" Lana: "Seriously?" Malory: "Why not? And in summertime instead of a lemonade stand she could have
a teeny little stripper pole, and-" Lana: "MALORY!" Archer: "MOTHER!"
2. Ivy: “I’ll be home alone and it’s the maid’s night off. My
wife will be at a fundraiser.” Archer: “Kids?” Ivy: “I think… owls?” Archer: “Do
you have children?” Ivy: “Oh. No, just a bedroom safe, which I will
conveniently leave open and in which will be $100,00.” Archer: “And a letter of
recommendation for Abbiejean… Archer-Kane? Kane-Archer?” Ivy: “I’ll leave the
name blank.” Archer: “Yeah, I should… probably know that.”
Banshee -
1. Hood: "You know I spent nearly two years up in those hills blaming myself for everything that happened. Now that would have been a big waste of time if this was all your fault."
2. Job: "It's about motherfuckin' time."
3. Job: "You rescued me from that hellhole, and the first place you bring me back is here? Baby, you heartless."
4. Job: "So, did I miss anything while I was gone?"
1. Hood: "You know I spent nearly two years up in those hills blaming myself for everything that happened. Now that would have been a big waste of time if this was all your fault."
2. Job: "It's about motherfuckin' time."
3. Job: "You rescued me from that hellhole, and the first place you bring me back is here? Baby, you heartless."
4. Job: "So, did I miss anything while I was gone?"
Better Call Saul -
1. Kim: "Chuck, I think there is another explanation... it's a simpler one. You made a mistake." Chuck: "I did not." Kim: "You're working by lantern, squinting over 10-point type for hour after hour. Mistakenly changing 1261 to 1216 would be the most natural thing in the world. It could certainly happen to me." Chuck: "I did not make a mistake!" Kim: "I believe you did." Chuck: "Look, I understand that you have a... a great affection for Jimmy. A great many people do, but Please open your eyes here!" Kim: "You made a mistake, and instead of just facing up to it, you accuse your brother of plotting against you. You come up with this elaborate scheme." Chuck: "He's capable of this! You know he is!" Kim: "I know he's not perfect! And I know he cuts corners. But you're the one who made him this way. He idolizes you. He accepts you. He takes care of you. And all he ever wanted was your love and support, but all you've ever done is judge him. You never believed in him. You never wanted him to succeed. And you know what? I feel sorry for him. And I feel sorry for you."
The Blacklist -
1. Tom: "Let me find something for the pain. Demerol." Liz: "What about the baby?" Tom: "I don't know. I'm not trained for this." Liz: "Oh my God. We're terrible parents."
2. Red: "It's the children whom the world almost breaks grow up to save it." Liz: "I don't want that for her." Red: "I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about you, Elizabeth."
3. Red: "I can't protect you in a hospital." Liz: "You can't protect me in a church either." Red: "Let me rephrase that. I cannot safeguard you and the dozens of innocent patients and medical personnel who'll be caught in the crossfire when Solomon and his Stormtroopers put together where you are."
2. Red: "It's the children whom the world almost breaks grow up to save it." Liz: "I don't want that for her." Red: "I wasn't talking about her. I was talking about you, Elizabeth."
3. Red: "I can't protect you in a hospital." Liz: "You can't protect me in a church either." Red: "Let me rephrase that. I cannot safeguard you and the dozens of innocent patients and medical personnel who'll be caught in the crossfire when Solomon and his Stormtroopers put together where you are."
1. Jake: "Damn it! He's dead." Bob: "Figgis got to him." Jake: "Wait a minute. He's got a pulse. No, wait. That's my pulse. No. It's his pulse. Nope, it's both our pulses. He's alive! I'm alive! We're all alive! [...] This case just got busted wide open."
2. Holt: "We're going to be here a while. Would you like to talk?" Bob: "I'd rather not." Holt: "Agreed."
3. Rosa: "I'm flexible. I do a lot of yoga." Jake: "You do yoga?" Rosa: "Helps keep me centered. If you ask me about it again, I'll hunt you down and rip your face off." Jake: "Okay."
The Catch -
1. Sophie: "He graduated summa cum laude. That's Latin for not an idiot."
2. Gwen: "This is just super weird. I'm looking at my own tombstone. Am I making a huge mistake?" Valerie: "You're You're getting a whole new life as Allison Aykle, Peace Corps volunteer." Alice: "And if at any point Gwen Ericsson needs to come back from the dead, we specialize in that too."
3. Sophie: "See, I told you he was nice." Danny: "He's not nice. He's perfect." Sophie: "He's not perfect." Danny: "How is he not perfect? Even I'm attracted to him now."
1. Sophie: "He graduated summa cum laude. That's Latin for not an idiot."
2. Gwen: "This is just super weird. I'm looking at my own tombstone. Am I making a huge mistake?" Valerie: "You're You're getting a whole new life as Allison Aykle, Peace Corps volunteer." Alice: "And if at any point Gwen Ericsson needs to come back from the dead, we specialize in that too."
3. Sophie: "See, I told you he was nice." Danny: "He's not nice. He's perfect." Sophie: "He's not perfect." Danny: "How is he not perfect? Even I'm attracted to him now."
Code of Silence -
1. Jackson: "We build a cases brick by brick, solid as a rock, and then we put them away in prison." Gil: "That's gonna take forever." Jackson: "That's…that's the only way, Gil." Gil: "No, it isn't. That's your way." Jackson: "What would you do?" Gil: "I'd set them on fire, shoot them in the face, and go get a bag of tacos."
2. Shawn: "Well how are we gonna get home?" Jessie: "Ride with him. Maybe you guys can talk some more and then NOT tell me what's going on. That's always fun."
3. Gil: "You don't get it, do you? I'd rather die than have anyone know what happened to us." Jackson: "You don't mean that Gil." Gil: "I swear to God, Jackie." Jackson: "Gil…" Gil: "Why not?" Jackson: "Gil, look at me. Look at me. I'm your brother. I'm your brother and I've got you. I've got you. Put it down. I'm here. I got you."
Crowded -
1. Mike: "I don't like movies where they don't end up together in the end." Guy: "Nice spoiler, dude." Mike: "This movie's 20 years old. That's on you."
2. Mike: "You don't need your purse. I've got my wallet." Martina: "But I need my brush, lipstick, concealer…" Mike: "What are you trying to conceal? I know what you look like."
3. Mike: "Let me first say that I love you. I trust you completely but dad and I went through your phone and it appears that you've been banging your ex-boyfriend and are pregnant with his baby so…thoughts?"
Detour -
1. Jared: "I'm not Colombo. I'm not going to discover America. I just want to get back inside and get an ice cream." Nate: "No!" Jared: "Why?" Nate: "Because you're not old enough for this particular flavor of sadness."
2. Robin: "Call 911, Jared." Jared: "Umm. What's the number?"
Elementary -
1. Sherlock: "You were able to get yourself dressed this morning so you're smart enough to realize how stupid that sounds."
2. Bell: "So this guy rips off other people's selfies, blows them up, and then charges a hundred grand apiece. Surprised we're not investigating his murder."
3. Ephraim: "Do you see any art in these empty spaces?" Sherlock: "One might argue there's no art in the occupied spaces either."
Grimm -
Hunters -
1. Truss: "With your skills and experience, you'll be an excellent replacement for an agent we just lost." Flynn: "That's not a great sales pitch."
2. Jules: "That's their leader. He's like the Bin Laden of little green men."
3. Flynn: "A gun that shoots Martians." Regan: "We don't know where they come from. It could be space. No one knows for sure." Briggs: "What we do know is that hunters DON'T come in peace."
iZombie -
1. Stone: "Okay, can we just get Jules Verne in here because I am only licensed to practice law in this dimension, alright?"
2. Stone: "This case is Oscar the Grouch's dream house. It's a pile of garbage."
3. Clive: "I have to call this in even though I have no idea how any of this is going to get explained away." Liv: "Super max. It created a violent chain reaction. Armored guards lost their heads and began firing on rampaging employees." Clive: "You really think that's gonna fly." Liv: "You think zombie outbreak has a better chance."
Lucifer -
1. Lucifer: "Right, so Tim was cheating on his wife with a man. I did not see that coming. The Devil usually has impeccable gaydar."
2. Dan: "You're alive." Lucifer: "Yes. Yes, it would appear that way, wouldn't it? What are you doing here?" Dan: "I came to stop Malcolm; he's planning to shoot you." Lucifer: "Malcolm? No, no, this wasn't him. He's taken care of." Dan: "He is? How?" Lucifer: "Well, I made him an offer that he couldn't- You know the line. You look terrible, by the way. Rough day at the office? Dan: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, you could say that." Lucifer: "Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a charity to attend and a killer to punish. [...] How do I look?" Dan: "Pretty good, actually." Lucifer: "Yes, I thought as much."
3. Lucifer: "And, uh, as you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada."
1. Jackson: "We build a cases brick by brick, solid as a rock, and then we put them away in prison." Gil: "That's gonna take forever." Jackson: "That's…that's the only way, Gil." Gil: "No, it isn't. That's your way." Jackson: "What would you do?" Gil: "I'd set them on fire, shoot them in the face, and go get a bag of tacos."
2. Shawn: "Well how are we gonna get home?" Jessie: "Ride with him. Maybe you guys can talk some more and then NOT tell me what's going on. That's always fun."
3. Gil: "You don't get it, do you? I'd rather die than have anyone know what happened to us." Jackson: "You don't mean that Gil." Gil: "I swear to God, Jackie." Jackson: "Gil…" Gil: "Why not?" Jackson: "Gil, look at me. Look at me. I'm your brother. I'm your brother and I've got you. I've got you. Put it down. I'm here. I got you."
1. Mike: "I don't like movies where they don't end up together in the end." Guy: "Nice spoiler, dude." Mike: "This movie's 20 years old. That's on you."
2. Mike: "You don't need your purse. I've got my wallet." Martina: "But I need my brush, lipstick, concealer…" Mike: "What are you trying to conceal? I know what you look like."
3. Mike: "Let me first say that I love you. I trust you completely but dad and I went through your phone and it appears that you've been banging your ex-boyfriend and are pregnant with his baby so…thoughts?"
1. Jared: "I'm not Colombo. I'm not going to discover America. I just want to get back inside and get an ice cream." Nate: "No!" Jared: "Why?" Nate: "Because you're not old enough for this particular flavor of sadness."
2. Robin: "Call 911, Jared." Jared: "Umm. What's the number?"
1. Sherlock: "You were able to get yourself dressed this morning so you're smart enough to realize how stupid that sounds."
2. Bell: "So this guy rips off other people's selfies, blows them up, and then charges a hundred grand apiece. Surprised we're not investigating his murder."
3. Ephraim: "Do you see any art in these empty spaces?" Sherlock: "One might argue there's no art in the occupied spaces either."
1. [Nick tells Monroe and Rosalee that Eve, as Sean, slept with a woman.] Rosalee: "Well, I wonder what that was like?" Nick: "I didn't ask."
1. Truss: "With your skills and experience, you'll be an excellent replacement for an agent we just lost." Flynn: "That's not a great sales pitch."
2. Jules: "That's their leader. He's like the Bin Laden of little green men."
3. Flynn: "A gun that shoots Martians." Regan: "We don't know where they come from. It could be space. No one knows for sure." Briggs: "What we do know is that hunters DON'T come in peace."
1. Stone: "Okay, can we just get Jules Verne in here because I am only licensed to practice law in this dimension, alright?"
2. Stone: "This case is Oscar the Grouch's dream house. It's a pile of garbage."
3. Clive: "I have to call this in even though I have no idea how any of this is going to get explained away." Liv: "Super max. It created a violent chain reaction. Armored guards lost their heads and began firing on rampaging employees." Clive: "You really think that's gonna fly." Liv: "You think zombie outbreak has a better chance."
1. Lucifer: "Right, so Tim was cheating on his wife with a man. I did not see that coming. The Devil usually has impeccable gaydar."
2. Dan: "You're alive." Lucifer: "Yes. Yes, it would appear that way, wouldn't it? What are you doing here?" Dan: "I came to stop Malcolm; he's planning to shoot you." Lucifer: "Malcolm? No, no, this wasn't him. He's taken care of." Dan: "He is? How?" Lucifer: "Well, I made him an offer that he couldn't- You know the line. You look terrible, by the way. Rough day at the office? Dan: "Uh, yeah. Yeah, you could say that." Lucifer: "Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a charity to attend and a killer to punish. [...] How do I look?" Dan: "Pretty good, actually." Lucifer: "Yes, I thought as much."
3. Lucifer: "And, uh, as you can see, the Devil does indeed wear Prada."
1. Beth: "You're hollow, Paul. There's nothing inside. I filled you in with hunches. All I know for sure is you won't protect me." Paul: "You're right. Just tell me what you want. You want this to end? This is all for you. You say it's over... And it's over." Beth: "You end it, you coward!"
2. Janis Beckwith: "OK, well, that's cheeky. Cause of death? Have to go with... exploding cigar."
3.Beth: "Everything else OK?" Cosima: "Not really. You ever heard the one about the lesbian and the U-Haul?" Beth: "Uhhh..." Cosima: "Never mind, forget it."
Outlander -
1. Murtagh: "Only in France does the King need an audience to shit."
2. King Charles: "Jamie, this is why I admire the French. They're so wonderfully vulgar. They never allow their exquisite manners to interfere with their basic instincts."
3. Jamie: "I told you that dress would bring us grief."
4. Sandringham: "If you must cough on someone find a servant. Was that a bit harsh?"2. Janis Beckwith: "OK, well, that's cheeky. Cause of death? Have to go with... exploding cigar."
3.Beth: "Everything else OK?" Cosima: "Not really. You ever heard the one about the lesbian and the U-Haul?" Beth: "Uhhh..." Cosima: "Never mind, forget it."
1. Murtagh: "Only in France does the King need an audience to shit."
2. King Charles: "Jamie, this is why I admire the French. They're so wonderfully vulgar. They never allow their exquisite manners to interfere with their basic instincts."
3. Jamie: "I told you that dress would bring us grief."
1. Carter: "You mind if I take this one alone?" Lee: "Sure, I'll just go interview the other sole witness on this case." Carter: "Check you out, being all sarcastic. I must be rubbing off on you." Lee: "It is my greatest shame."
2. Carter: "Damn, grandma. I mean…dang, grandma."
3. Carter: "This song makes me want to drive this car off the nearest cliff." Lee: "It will grow on you." Carter: "It won't. Okay Lee, here's what you gotta do tonight. You got to go home and you gotta learn some American music." Lee: "I know all about American music. What is that one I like? The um…" Carter: "That was a Cialis commercial." Lee: "It was very catchy."
Stitchers -
1. Theo: "Who does she think she is, giving me orders?" Camille: "Yeah, who do I think I am? I'm NSA, b**."
2. Jamie: "You have nanobots?" Kirsten: "Sure, doesn't everybody?"
3. Linus: "If the moment was meant to happen, an Indian guy in his boxers wouldn't be able to ruin it."
1. Theo: "Who does she think she is, giving me orders?" Camille: "Yeah, who do I think I am? I'm NSA, b**."
2. Jamie: "You have nanobots?" Kirsten: "Sure, doesn't everybody?"
3. Linus: "If the moment was meant to happen, an Indian guy in his boxers wouldn't be able to ruin it."
1. Wynonna: "That's why you need Champ's body? For some sort of like possession?" Champ: "What? In my body? Wynonna, I don't even put gluten in this."
2. Wynonna: "Sometimes you come so close to cool and then cool makes a run for it."
3. Wynonna: "It's not a team. I'm not even sure we're the good guys." Waverly: "Well good guys seem to be in short supply these days but believe me, you are definitely one of them."
4. Wynonna " oh ..he is gonna miss his bus "
