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Pretty Little Liars: March of Crimes Review- "Kahn Games"

Last night on Pretty Little Liars, there was finally a bit of kumbaya on the Liars' front, and we found out that Noel Kahn is BIIIG into the insurance industry...who knew? Let's jump in to this week's review!

The show picks up immediately where last week's episode left off and all the Liars are pissed. They don't understand what Ali's game is and they don't know what Noel has to do with any of this, or why he'd help Alison. Instead of giving the girls answers, Ali pulls one of her manipulative moves and tells them that they all let her down in some way and Noel was a last resort.

After they all take off, Emily spots Noel sitting in his car listening to a recording of Alison, because sitting in your car in the middle of the night listening to recordings aloud with the windows rolled down is no big deal. Em decides to find out what Noel is really up to, since no one can take Ali's word.

Back at the Marin house, Hanna tells her mom that she'd rather sit Zack and Ella's engagement party out and we don't blame her. Ashley tries to talk her into it while straightening Hanna's room and finds her flask. She gives her the responsible parent talk and tells her it's a dangerous way to handle her issues and that she understands because she's afraid too. Ali calls to Hanna for some moisturizer in the shower and Mrs. Marin offers up her and Hanna looks like if her mom lets Ali use one more of her skincare products, she'll burn the house down.

Back at the school, Detective Get Shit Done is grilling Ella and Aria about Mr. Fitz's relationship with Shana. Aria starts to get all protest too much-y about some of the subjects and her mom later tells her that she can't be so damn obvious next time. Speaking of damn obvious, Noel walks by Aria and Ella wearing this shit-eating grin that basically says "Why yes, I AM a handsome, shady and not to be trusted type guy."

Emily is offered the assistant coaching position that Sydney pushed her into and uses the opportunity to grab Noel Kahn's locker combination from the coach's office. Em immediately goes to Noel's locker and grabs his car keys, but it looks like someone was watching her.

Spencer decided to pay a visit to Caleb and got all up in his grill for being an enabler to Boozy Hanna. I hope we get more Spaleb scenes because the snark emanating from these two is too great to ignore. During the talk, Spencer let's the Zack situation slip, not knowing that Hanna didn't tell Caleb, and quickly recovers, but not before Caleb took note.

Back at school, Ali tries to talk to Hanna about the rough time they've been having lately, but Hanna still isn't having any of it. Next thing we know, Jenna walks in and we get an interesting first Ali/Jenna scene, complete with underhand apologies and comments. When Alison asks Jenna how she managed to turn Shana against her, Jenna cooly replies she didn't... Ali in all of her eternal shadiness did.

Spencer is busy having her eye checked out at the Optometrist's and gets her pupils dilated. Did anyone else have as much fun as I had watching Spencer try and decide what to do with herself and eyeballs while her vision was impaired? Anyway, while Spence is in the waiting room, Jenna and Sydney walk in looking EXACTLY alike...I'm talking hair, makeup, blind shades...EVERYTHING! Now the two aren't twins obviously, which makes the situation even more wtf-worthy. Spence immediately calls Emily and tells her to bring her ass down to investigate, but Em's busy breaking into Noel Kahn's car. It turns out she found some pictures of Ali from the time she was "kidnapped" or "dead" or whatever homegirl actually was...the point is those pics could blow Ali's entire story out of the water.

The Montgomerys are busy preparing for the engagement party and Aria decides to test Zack. Ever since Hanna told her about his pass at her, she's been warming up to the idea that her future stepdaddy could be a major creep. His reaction to Aria telling him Hanna won't make it to the party was apparently enough for her.

Caleb and Hanna are busy day-drinking when the subject of why she didn't want to go to the party comes up. Caleb finally gets the truth out of Hanna about Zack and promptly excuses himself to go "grab some food," which we all know really meant:

Ass whoopin' tiiimmeee!!! 

Meanwhile, Aria and Ella are getting ready for the engagement party and Aria decides to follow her gut and ask her mom if she's really sure about Zack. Ella responds by asking if Aria's new unsure attitude is the result of Zack being "inappropriate" with her. Aria tells her mom about Hanna at that point, and Ella admits that it wasn't the first time he crossed the line with a younger woman.

Caleb wastes no time getting straight to the point with Zack, who is annoyingly unfazed by "the boyfriend." He even goes so far as to say Hanna came on to him and he had a note from her to prove it! Caleb knows his girl better than that and got tired of hearing Zack's excuses, so he did what we've all wanted someone to do to him since last week:

Caleb immediately walks out of there like a boss and goes home to tell Hanna what he learned. She's pissed to find out about the note and the two figure out -A helped give Zack a little extra confidence, which is pretty jacked up, even for -A.

Emily confronts Sydney about knowing Jenna and Syd starts singing like Tippi the Bird. She says she met Jenna while she was at the school for the blind, right after Alison threatened her with the Toby videos. She and Jenna stayed in touch ever since and re-connected after Shana's death. The whole time I'm waiting on Emily to address why the two were dressed alike, but it never happens. Sydney says she feels bad about agreeing to help Jenna with...whatever... because she wasn't expecting Em to be such a nice person. Emily don't give a shit. She says that she's going to take the swim coach position so that she can keep an eye on Sydney as much as possible and sashays away, leaving Syd in the middle of the street crying.

Spencer is at her family's cabin trying to hide the Ali pics when she's attacked by Noel Kahn. He says Alison doesn't know he has the pics and that they're insurance, since he's noticed that Ali likes to throw people away when she's done using them. Spencer tells him that the girls need insurance too, especially now that they're wrapped up in her kidnapping lie, and that she'll hide the pictures where no one can find them. Noel also blabs that that tapes he was listening to were sent from Shana to Jenna and that he stole them from Jenna's house right before the explosion, which he also feels like was set up for him.

Aria and Hanna make up at the Montgomery house, so now Aria's off the hook to be a bad friend at some other random moment in time.

While the other girls are busy, Ashley Marin and Ali have been spending more time together. The two just got back in the house when Detective Get Shit Done calls and asks Mrs. Marin to bring Ali to the police station. It seems that they've "caught" Ali's "kidnapper." The thing is, Ali was never kidnapped, so I'm just looking at the tv screen like:

This week's -A scene showed -A at a doctor's office freaking the nurse out and then listening to one of Ali's tapes. Yikes.

Let me know what you thought of this week's episode and any new theories you have. We can have a pretty little chat below!