Update: Happy April Fool!
CW: TV to send a letter about? That's certainly the message the network will try to convey next season.
"It is an undeniable fact, life expectancy is continuously increasing," said Mark Pedowitz, Chief of Entertainment. "We at the CW are all about #trends, therefore we cannot ignore that one any longer, and thus we are changing the dynamic that has driven the network since the merger of The WB and UPN. Besides, what have we got to lose? Our reputation? Gone in the toilet when we cancelled Veronica Mars. Credibility? We never had any! There are basically 84 people watching our network this season, ten of whom we assume are dead with the TV on. So a few weeks ago, we thought that airing infomercials in primetime would get us bigger ratings, and then it hit us: old people, that's the untaped market! When they tune in to the CW, 60-year old men don't recognize themselves and I agree, we need more diversity. Incitations to live-blogging, hashtags on the screen, characters butchering the English language, texting, facebooking, LOL, Biebs, YOLO, SWAG, it's all jibberish to our more experienced potential cash cows."
I'm told this move by Mark 'The Bear' Pedowitz is "definitely" affecting next month's series pickups, but the network will also revamp some its landmark series in order to adapt to this trend.
A Vampire Diaries insider tells me that Carl Reiner will play Ian Somerhalder's Damon Salvatore in the teen vampire drama while Don Rickles will replace Kat Graham. These changes will be effective in next season's hotly anticipated première.
Casting to replace Jared Padalecki is already underway, with Wilford Brimley in talks to join in as Sam Winchester. "Sure, writers will have to make one or two adjustments, but they've already shoved so much down the viewers' throats for the past few years," said Pedovitz. "Besides, the Supernatural fanbase is rather small and careless, the change will go unnoticed." Furthermore, bubble freshman drama Beauty and the Beast, of which the renewal is uncertain, will star a Galapagos turtle in lieu of Kristen Kreuk in the season finale, turning this episode into a presentation of what the potential sophomore season would look like. "To be honest, I think it's an improvement. The Galapagos turtle is a very charismatic animal, we're thrilled to have it and we think it will fit right in".
Pedowitz explained his thinking process regarding this shift: "75-year olds and 15-year olds are much alike, in that they cannot enjoy a show unless they can directly relate to it. I mean, they need to have a direct representation of them. We have seen it in the 26 Nielsen homes across the country, teenagers cannot like a series unless characters are experiencing whatever fantasy of a life they would want to be having, whether it's my 12-year old daughter dressing and acting like a whore because that's how they do in 90210, or my 18-year old falling for a 34-year old dangerous creep because that's what we show in The Vampire Diaries… I'm a bad father (sniffles)."
With this unprecedented move, the CW is dropping many of its advertisers and sponsors, many of them haute couture stylists. "It is a relief, to be honest. How the fudge did we manage to have balls or parties in every episode of our shows? Don't viewers get at least a little suspicious that all characters have to dress up fancy to go to some event in every single episode? Well, it was either that or the characters visiting parfumeries every other episode while mentioning brands right to the camera, but even if we're the CW, we have to at least try to be subtle. Still, our showrunners were on a tight leach before, and now I'm proud to say the leach is a little looser." In a corner of Pedowitz' office, Julie Plec barked in approval.
In the crop of pilots in contention for next season, we are told that the 70-year old grandpa is the new token black best friend. "Hey, you can't please every association. But please, don't mention any of that in your article," Pedowitz told us off-record. "If there's anything worse than terrorists and red cabbage, it's no-nonsense whiners pompously lecturing about big serious topics on TV show boards".
The CW being very secretive about this game-changing strategy, not much has filtered about their upcoming pilots — what has been leaked in the press thus far about some of their pilots, such as The Selection, was a cover-up to keep their master plan secret.
Nonetheless, here are the synopses of some of the most talked about pilots in contention for pickup on May 13:
- How Was Your Day? : An anthology series in which we follow the lives of grandparents for 24 hours, from their morning walk in the potager to the forced visit of their ungrateful, spoiled grandkids.
- #HashtagDoom : When all the computers, smartphones, tablets and toasters in the world ally to destroy mankind, one grandmother will team up with her estranged granddaughter to take them down.
- Bullet : A spin off of Arrow, in which a 60-year old Republican shoots annoying fame-seeking whores. With bullets. Guests will include Justin Bieber, Kim Kardashian, Selena Gomez, a turd, One Direction and many more.
- Scrabble - The Series : Find the Triple Word squares in this action-packed serialized drama where all the pieces matter. Bingo!
- Patria : An anticipation drama set in 2015, in which Mexicans are invading the United States to make Americans unemployed, but a group of resistants will do whatever it takes to eliminate the threat. I'm told the CW was in a heated battle with AMC and HBO over this pilot.
- Gossip Girl - The Golden Years : The whole cast is back to play age-appropriate versions of their characters this time around. A year after Gossip Girl ended, we find our Upper East Siders retired in a condo in Florida. Hijinks ensue.
What about the current viewers of the CW, you may ask. "Shallow, appearance-obsessed teenagers will go, definitely," said Pedowitz in a final statement. "That's the majority of the people currently watching the CW. But who's gonna regret them? When I ask youngsters why they watch our shows, I want to kill myself. 'He's so sexy', 'she's so pretty'-- I always wanted to say 'and you're so fudging stupid, you empty human being!", but I couldn't. Now, I won't have to. Thankfully, not all young people are like that, and the ones who watch TV not because of how beautiful the cast is or how shiny the dresses are in for a treat. Those who watch TV for compelling stories will remain viewers of the CW. It's time for fat and old people to have a voice on broadcast TV. I'm still worried for our future generations, but at least I won't have to support and fuel their reckless behaviour with tacky television.
Update: Happy April Fool!
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