Zack didn't end up being in the episode, he must have been cut when they had to write Penny out. And instead of being played by Edi Patterson like I saw last week, Joy was played by Charlotte Newhouse. Bernadette's still listed among the main cast.
The episode is called "The Desperation Emanation."
Scene 1 - Guy’s apartment
Leonard and Sheldon on the couch, watching a movie. Leonard says that if they took all the money they spent trying to make a decent Hulk movie, they could probably make a real Hulk. Sheldon’s amused, and say he going to text it to Amy, she’ll appreciate the witticism. Plus it will help improve her initial impression of Leonard.
Leonard asks how things are going between them. Sheldon basically says things are just like they’ve been, and might have given his not-a-girlfriend explanation again. Leonard asks doesn’t he ever want to spend some actual time with her, not just texting and messages? Sheldon tells Leonard he’s his best friend, and he can barely stand to sit on the couch next to him, so how could he stand to spend prolonged time with Amy?
I think Leonard says “Got it,” in response, and turns back to the movie, and Sheldon asks if there was judgment in his tone. Leonard at first says no, but then considers and says maybe a little. Sheldon asks if Leonard’s jealous. Leonard asks what would he possibly be jealous of? Sheldon says the fact that he has a functioning, fulfilling relationship with a woman. And Leonard doesn’t. Leonard says oh, that.
Sheldon says that jealousy is a green-eyed beast, not unlike the Hulk. Who also happens to have a girlfriend, who was played by the same actress that was in A Beautiful Mind, a movie Sheldon found enjoyable.
I can’t quite remember how the scene ended the first time, but on the second take (after Leonard repeated he wasn’t jealous, maybe?), Sheldon held out his arms and bent them like the Hulk, and said something like, “Grrr, Leonard not jealous,” in his Hulk-voice.
Scene 2 - Slightly later
Leonard and Sheldon are picking up their bags, getting ready to leave the apartment. Sheldon says that if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, than in one of them there is a Sheldon who doesn’t believe in parallel universes. Leonard asks him what’s his point. Sheldon says nothing, it’s just one of the things that makes him chuckle. On the second take, Sheldon’s line was changed to “one of the things that makes one of the me’s chuckle.”
They leave, and as Leonard’s locking the door, Sheldon asks what makes him chuckle. Leonard asks, recently? And on the first take Johnny was having trouble with the door, and said, “The fact that I apparently can’t lock a door.” It went find the second time, and Leonard said recently nothing.
They start to go down the stairs, and Sheldon asks if it has something to do with Leonard’s desire to have a relationship with a woman, and all of woman-kind’s decision to deny him. Leonard tells him to shut up.
Down to the third floor. Sheldon says that when his grandfather died, Meemaw was lonely, but then his mom brought her to a senior center a few times a week, where she was able to socialize with others, and talk about current events, and play bridge.
I can’t remember what Leonard said (he wasn’t impressed), but Sheldon went on to say that it’s good if you like bridge, and then proceeds to ask Leonard if he likes bridge. On the first time Jim said “play bridge,” and then immediately turned and said, “No, Sorry, sorry, sorry.” And they reset up at the top of the stairs, and Jim said “sorry,” one more time before they started over.
Down to the second floor. Leonard says that he’s not going to a senior home. Sheldon says that Meemaw was reluctant at first too, but she came around to it. And he clarifies that it’s a senior center, not a home - they would never put Meemaw in a home.
Scene 3 - Comic book store
Raj and Howard are looking through comic books as Leonard and Sheldon come in. Leonard says hey, Raj and Howard each say hey. Then Sheldon says, “Alright, I’ll bend to social conventions. Heeey.”
Howard’s phone rings, he explains it’s his girlfriend Bernadette, and he set his ringtone to play the song Bernadette when she calls, and answers it saying “Hi Bernadette,” emphasizing her name each time, then walks away to take the call.
Raj says that Howard’s phone plays “Brown Eyed Girl,” when he calls. (On the first take, Kunal ended up laughing after this line. Then I think he might have stumbled over a line on another take, too.) First Raj said sternly that he didn’t think it was funny. Then it was changed to him pausing, and saying something like, “Now that I think about it, it’s not a good thing.”
Leonard says that Howard’s just wanting to rub their noses in the fact that he has a girlfriend and they don’t. (Johnny messed up on this line, and then said to Kunal, “I caught it from you.”) Raj says, no, it’s just you who doesn’t have a girlfriend. Leonard’s surprised, he says Raj can’t even talk to women, how can he have a girlfriend? Raj says two words - deaf girl. It doesn’t matter that he can’t talk to her. Leonard asks, what? And Raj says, “That’s what she said.”
Leonard says great, Howard has a girlfriend, Raj has a girlfriend, Sheldon has a girl - and Sheldon starts to protest - so Leonard finishes, girl who’s a friend. Stuart comes by, and Leonard asks if he’s got a girlfriend, too.
Stuart says he does, he met her a Comic Con, where saying you own a comic book store actually works as a pickup line. Leonard says oh, good for you, but Stuart says not really. She’s horrible. When she wants to have sex, she puts on her oversized Wonder Woman costume, and asks who wants to ride her invisible plane. Leonard asks Stuart why doesn’t he just break up with her then, and Stuart says cause then he’d be lonely like Leonard.
Raj asks Leonard why doesn’t he just invoke the girlfriend pact with Wolowitz, and Leonard says he’s not that desperate. Rajs says that Leonard reminds him of a man that went to a woman’s correctional facility with a stack of papers that would set them all free. Leonard says, “Are you saying that I couldn’t get laid in a woman’s prison with a handful of pardons? Raj says hey, are you going to let me tell the story or not?”
Scene 4 - Guy’s apartment (first part pre-taped)
Leonard is lying on his stomach on the couch. Sheldon walks up and asks if he’s sleeping. Leonard said no. Sheldon asks if he’s still depressed about not having a girlfriend. Leonard says maybe. Sheldon says that although he is genuinely concerned about Leonard, that doesn’t give him the excuse to have his feet on Sheldon’s spot. Leonard bends his legs so the spot is free, and Sheldon sits down.
Amy, who’s set up on a video chat on Sheldon’s computer at his desk, says that she has a suggestion. Leonard’s surprised, and asks what she’s going there. Sheldon says that he’s taken Leonard’s suggestion that they spend more time together. Leonard asks how long she’s been there, and Sheldon says since they got back from the comic book store, which was a couple hours ago.
Amy says that Leonard’s desperation might be releasing a pheromone that is off-putting to women. She also suggests that maybe he would have luck meeting someone at a bar. Leonard says that he’s not going to try to meet someone at a bar. Sheldon says that success at bars is highly dependant on good looks, and height, and some other factors he lists, which he says Leonard has none of.
But then they start talking about different kinds of bars - juice bars, the Apple store genius bar… And Sheldon says that maybe Leonard would have success at a bar after all. But Leonard’s gotten up and picked up his jacket, and just leaves without a word. Amy asks why he left, and Sheldon says he does that all the time.
Amy says she something to ask Sheldon - would he meet her mother? I think Sheldon might have asked if he can get back to her with his answer later… Whatever he said, he stayed calm when talking to her, then shut the computer. Then he jumps up and runs out the door after Leonard.
(Starting here they taped it live...) He runs down the stairs yelling, “Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! Leonard!” And catches up to him on the second floor. Sheldon’s frantic, and tells him that Amy wants him to meet her mother, and asks what this means. Leonard says, “You know how you’re always saying that Amy’s a girl, who’s a friend, but not you’re girlfriend? You won’t be able to say that anymore.”
Down to the lobby. Leonard says clearly she wants to move things to the next level. Sheldon says he likes the level that they’re at, and tells Leonard to fix things. Leonard asks how he could fix things? Sheldon says that Leonard wants a girlfriend, and Amy wants a deeper relationship with someone. Leonard says that’s crazy. Sheldon says that’s true, Amy finds Leonard intolerable. (Jim had problems with this line, he messed it up a few times, and said, “I could never get that word right.”)
Leonard asks Sheldon if he’s thought of just telling Amy how he feels. Sheldon says he’s a physicist, not a hippie. Leonard says okay, let me try explaining this to you in physics terms: what would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. Sheldon immediately says “Screwed!,” pleased he figured it out, but then frowns as he realizes what Leonard meant by it.
Leonard ends up leaving, and Sheldon goes back upstairs to the apartment.
Scene 5 - Outside Howard’s
Leonard knocks on the door, wearing a shirt with the Apple logo, and without his usual jacket. Mrs. Wolowitz yells for Howard to answer it, she’s busy cleansing her bowels for a colonoscopy, it’s like an upside-down volcano.
Howard answers the door and says he hopes Leonard didn’t hear that. Leonard asks, oh, the volcano thing, no. Howard asks what’s up with his shirt, and Leonard’s like, “This? Nothing, I just threw it on.” Howard says he knows Leonard’s wardrobe, and he doesn’t have that shirt - and then Howard suddenly asks if Leonard was at the genius bar trying to pick up chicks.
Leonard says yes, it turns out they guard the iPods, but not the t-shirts. Howard asks him how it went. Leonard says really well at first, he was showing this really hot girl something, but the manager got suspicious, and to cut a long story short, there really is a small jail in the mall.
Poor Johnny had a lot of trouble with that line. On the first take, I think he got to about “manager” when the director yelled for them to cut. And we heard Johnny ask, “Did I do something wrong?” as they were resetting, and then “Oh!” after he got his answer. (I don’t know exactly what went wrong, though.) Then he tried it again, and got to maybe about the same part, and said, “I’m gonna try that again less horribly.” Twice, though not right after each other, he said “got” instead of “hot girl.” At one point the called out, “Remember when I said we could be here a while?” And then after a pause, he added, “And I wasn’t even thinking about this scene.”
Howard tells Leonard not to try to go back with a fake mustache, because they may not be real geniuses, but they can see through that. Leonard says he wants to invoke the girlfriend pact. Howard asks really, you’re that desperate? Leonard says that he wants what Howard has, a woman in his life. Mrs. Wolowitz then yells, “How much liquid can be in one person?” Leonard clarifies that when he said woman, he meant like Bernadette, not his mom.
Scene 6 - Guy’s apartment
Sheldon’s at his desk on his laptop, Leonard walks in wearing a suit and with his hair slicked back, and asks how he looks. Sheldon says he looks like the plants from Invasion of the Body Snatchers made an exact replica of him, except with more hair gel. On the first take Leonard said good, that’s what he was going for. On the second Leonard said maybe he was a pod person, the real Leonard never would have asked Sheldon that question.
Leonard asks Sheldon what he’s doing, and Sheldon says that he’s erasing his digital footprints from the internet so he won’t have to meet Amy’s mom. On the first take, Leonard said something like, “So you decided not to do the crazy thing of actually talking to her.” On the second, he said, “So you’re taking yourself off the map. The Unabomber approach, nice.”
Sheldon says that he’s changed his email address, phone number, and sent Amy a message to terminate their relationship. Leonard asks what if she comes to the building. Sheldon says she’ll get lost - they no longer live at 2311 Los Robles, they live at 311 Los Robles. And he picks up a metal “2” from his desk that he removed from the front of the building.
On the second take, Jim dropped the number as he tried to pick it up, and said, “Oh, ****!” And then on the third, when he held it up it was backwards! So the audience was laughing extra hard at that, but Jim didn’t even notice until they cut and someone told him.
Leonard asks, what about the mail? Sheldon says he talked to the postman already, who understands. The postman told him, “I got your back, Jack, bitches be crazy.”
There’s a knock at the door, and Sheldon panics, not knowing what to do. Leonard calls out, “Who is it?” and it’s Amy. Sheldon wonders how she got there, and Leonard reminds him that she’s been there before. Sheldon says that was the one flaw in his otherwise perfect plan. Sheldon tells Leonard to lie for him, and reminds him that the key to a successful lie is in the details. Then Sheldon goes to the hallway, and leans against one of the walls all stealth-like to watch Leonard open the door.
Leonard answers the door and tells Amy that Sheldon’s not there. She accepts this, and leaves. Leonard closes the door, and Sheldon asks Leonard where were the details?
Scene 7 - Fancy restaurant
Leonard, Howard, and Bernadette are sitting at table. Leonard thanks Bernadette for helping him out. She says no problem, she takes pacts very seriously. One time in the lab when a petri-dish of a modified virus went missing, she and the others made a pinky-promise never to tell anyone that they mixed the Ebola virus with the common cold. Howard asks her why would you mix those? Bernadette smiles and says they didn’t, because that would be a very bad thing.
Joy then enters - she apologizes for being late, she was at spin class, and she grabs her napkin and wipes under her arms with it before placing it in her lap. She tells Leonard he doesn’t look like a genius, then tells him to say something smart. He barely says, “uh,” before she makes a buzzing sound and says, time’s up! Then she says, “The first thing you need to know about me is I’m hilarious.”
Leonard sort of nods, and then says so Bernadette told me you two met in a self-defense class. Joy says yeah, it’s basically 100 different ways to rip a guy’s nuts off. Leonard says oh, he wouldn’t have thought there were that many ways… And then she yells, “number forty-seven!” and makes a fake grab towards him, prompting Leonard to yell and hold up his arms to guard himself. Joy and Bernadette laugh, and Bernadette asks, “Isn’t she a pip?”
They spent a LONG time on this scene… First just getting multiple takes like usual, but then they had to move the cameras around to get a bunch of different angles. They upped Joy’s obnoxiousness a little as they went, added her smelling the napkin after wiping herself with it, invading Leonard’s space more. On one take after faking Leonard out, she sort of playfully pushed him on the forehead, which caused Johnny to start laughing.
Scene 8 - Apartment stairs (pre-taped)
Sheldon goes down all three flights of stairs from his apartment to the lobby, with each step naming a star, starting with our sun, and then naming the next closest ones in succession. It started with a little rhyme, and he’s sort of jumping from step to step. He gets to almost the very bottom before stopping, cause he messed up. Then the camera cuts so we’re still in the lobby, and can hear Sheldon coming down the last steps before he comes into view, repeating the same stars, but not with the same energy as before. He gets to the bottom and says something like, “Those are the stars that are nearest to me, tra la la and fiddle dee dee,” and does a little shuffle with his feet.
Then he looks outside, and sees Amy standing there, looking away from the building waiting for him. So he runs back up the stairs away from her.
Scene 9 - Restaurant again
Joy’s eating lobster. On the first take, she just said it was amazing. On the following takes, she burps, and then says it’s just as good going down as it is coming up. Leonard says it should be, it’s 30 dollars a pound. (Though on the first take, he just said it’s really expensive.)
On the first take, Joy motioned to the waiter and asked for more champagne. Leonard asked really, more? She looked at him and asked, this is a date, right? (After that, the champagne bit was cut, and she just asked him about it being a date after his comment about the lobster price.) He says “yeah,” not really happy.
She fakes him out again, yelling another number and making a sudden motion towards him, and he guards himself and yells again, but not quite as startled as the first time. She laughs and says he falls for it every time - by this point his nuts would be gone. Howard commented that he’s getting better, he didn’t scream like a little girl this time. Some of this dialogue was cut after the first take, though.
Joy then says she’s got to take a wicked piss. Bernadette gets up and says she’ll go with her. Joy warns her that she had the asparagus, so her pee will probably stink up the place. They leave, and I think Howard says something like it’s going well, but Leonard just stares at him, not impressed.
Scene 10 - Apartment lobby
Amy’s now sitting at the bottom of the stairs, with her laptop. Sheldon quietly comes down the steps behind her, wearing a big puffy jacket (from The Monopolar Expedition, I think), the knit cap that he wore in The Pancake Batter Anomaly, and plastic glasses with a fake nose and mustache.
On the first take, as he came down Sheldon was quietly saying the names of the stars to himself, and then did the little foot-shuffle on the bottom step again, before walking towards the door, but he didn’t do that for the second.
Amy looks up and asks, Sheldon? On the first take turns and Sheldon asked how she knew it was him. She said she wasn’t sure, but he stopped when she said his name. He said something like rats. On the second take, he just turned and said rats when she said his name.
She says that she things he misunderstood her request for him to meet her mother. He says he was informed of what the request meant, and he has no intention of being attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis. Amy asks in what way would he be screwed?
Really she just wants him to meet her mom so her mom will be satisfied that she’s in a relationship. Sheldon asks, so this is just a ruse? Amy says yes. Sheldon asks, so you haven’t fallen madly in love with me? Amy says no, she still thinks romantic love is a waste of time. Sheldon’s touched, and says that’s the most pragmatic thing anyone’s ever said to him. He asks her if she’d like to go for Chinese food, but she says, “Please Sheldon, you’re smothering me.” So he apologizes, they leave the building, and say goodnight as they go their separate ways.
Scene 11 - Restaurant again
Joy and Bernadette haven’t gotten back from the restroom yet. Leonard tells Howard he appreciates what him and Bernadette did, but this is the worst date he’s ever been on. And somewhere he says something about how there are still 93 more ways she hasn’t tried yet for hurting him, to which Howard says yeah, he was really worried for him on number 17. (On one take Johnny mixed up the numbers and said something like “Still three ni - three, wait, three what?”)
But Howard’s surprised that this is his worst date, and asks really? Because he once was robbed by a pre-op transsexual, and that didn’t even break his top 10 worst dates.
Leonard says that maybe he just has more self respect. Howard asks really, because he’s never seen it. Leonard says it’s relatively new. And he’s just not going to spend time with a woman he doesn’t like just to have a girlfriend, he’s okay being by himself. (On one take Johnny said something like, “It’s just - just - just - just - I don’t know the line.”)
Bernadette and Joy come back. Leonard starts to tell Joy, look tonight was nice, but… But she interrupts, asking if he’s free next weekend. It’s her cousin’s wedding, and she needs a date, “And it’s an open bar, so I’ll probably be giving it away.” Leonard considers for a moment, then says, “Looking forward to it,” and goes back to eating his meal.
Scene 12 - Guy’s apartment (pre-taped)
Sheldon and Amy are sitting on the couch, taking to Amy’s mother via video chat on a laptop. Sheldon assures Amy’s mother that they are indeed dating, and then tells her that they have sex regularly, which suddenly surprises/unnerves Mrs. Fowler. Sheldon says oh yes, all the time, and it’s amazing that they haven’t hurt themselves yet, and Amy agrees. Then Sheldon says they have to go, he has to make love to Amy’s vagina, and Amy says something like her loins are burning for him.
They close the laptop, and Amy comments that that went well. Sheldon says he’s been wondering if they should have sex just once during their relationship, to see what it’s like. Then, of course, “Bazinga.” Sheldon looks at the time, says he’s going to bed, and Amy can see herself out.
Then when the episode was completed, for some reason they filmed the cold opening (very first scene) of a different episode.
For this scene, Sheldon and Amy are on the couch in the guy’s apartment, with stacks of note cards. Sheldon says he’s read, and Amy reads off of a card - in a world where rhinoceros are domesticated and kept as pets, who wins the second world war? Sheldon thinks for a moment, then says Uganda.
She asks him to defend. He says that Kenya would have become rich from selling rhinos, and formed a power block throughout Africa and Europe. When war broke out, no one could afford the luxury of rhinos, allowing Uganda to rise up over Kenya. Amy says correct.
Sheldon then reads her card - in a world where a piano is a weapon, what would [musican name] play [song name] on? She thinks a moment, then says tuned bayonets. He asks her to defend. She says, isn’t it obvious? Sheldon says yes, it is, he apologizes.
Leaonard’s in the kitchen, making himself a sandwich. He stares at them, then asks them what they’re doing. On one take Johnny just stared at them, and there was a long pause, then he finally said, “I’m supposed to be saying something right now.” And then Jim said something about “supposed to be acting,” though I’m not sure if he was talking about himself or Johnny. I think all of them were really tired, Mayim messed up her lines a couple of times, too.
Sheldon explains it’s a game they invented where they imagine a world exactly like theirs except for the change of one key variable, and then ask questions about how things would turn out differently. It’s fun for everyone 8 to 80. He asks if Leonard wants to play, and he says sure, he likes a good brain teaser.
Sheldon pulls a card, and tells him he got an easy one. In a world that is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food item would humanity no longer eat? Leonard guesses a BLT where the B stands for beaver? Sheldon tells him to be serious.
Leonard says ok, well beavers eat bark, and the only bark that people eat is cinnamon, so that’s his guess. They said no - it’s a cheese Danish. In a world ruled by a beaver, people would spend much of their time building damns. The low city of Copenhagen would be flooded, the Danish would be devastated over the thousands of deaths, and never invent the cheese Danish.
Leonard’s annoyed and says now they’re just making stuff up. Amy asks Sheldon if he’s always like this when he loses. Sheldon says yes, she should have seen the Jenga game of 2008. Leonard instantly says to Sheldon, you bumped the table, and you know it!
Amy says that next time they can play a game more suited for Leonard’s level. She tells him they’ll close their eyes, and he can go and hide. Leonard gets up with his food and tells them he’s going to his room. Amy says very good, but next time don’t tell them where he’s hiding.
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